Nursing the Hurt
I've always thought that one difference that Christianity brought to the table that other religions didn't (excepting perhaps Buddhism) was the emphasis on universal, unconditional love. In talking with a friend recently, I realize there's another aspect to life that Christianity (and again perhaps Buddhism) emphasizes and that is forgiveness.
I see a lack of forgiveness to be at the core of a lot of people's interpersonal problems and it even takes the forefront in cultural differences as well. I think half the problems in the Middle East are essentially because both predominant cultures have "eye-for-an-eye" mentalities. It's the Hatfields and the McCoys - family feud - mentality.
On a personal level, this inability or unwillingness to let go of the hurts in our lives causes many divides. I have dear friends who nurture and feed the memories of events where people who loved them let them down. They can't forgive. They can't let it go. They can never move forward. They set requirements on the other person as a precondition for moving forward.
Their thought process usually involves some requirement that the other person change or make up the difference. It's like saying someone can file for bankruptcy, but they still have to pay the money back before we'll give them a job or a house loan.
People are sometimes willing to "forgive" but want the other to acknowledge that forgiveness. They want someone to wear a badge of defeat or humiliation. Am I made better by someone else's humiliation? Am I a better person because someone declared me the victor? Hardly.
We really put conditions on our relationships when we don't forgive. Here's a newsflash... it's not unconditional love if there are conditions attached. Whenever our actions are predacated on someone else's actions, it's not unconditional. We are to love like God loves - without limits. We are to forgive like God forgives - constantly and without acknowledgement.
Sometimes forgiveness is the only way we can move forward. It's starting from a level playing field again. But many people won't let that happen. Forgiveness is a gift we give to others. But the benefit is ours. It is freeing ourselves of the past. If we expect a thank-you note, we probably haven't really freely given our forgiveness.
Thankfully, God's forgiveness is not like human forms. Think about how many times we ask God for forgiveness, but how often do we thank him for it? And I'm thankful that he'll forgive me knowing full well I'll go out and make the same mistake again.
To paraphrase Henry David Thoreau...
If you want to show someone that what they are doing is wrong, then do that thing the right way yourself. Don't try to convince them they are wrong for they will believe what they see. Let them see.
I see a lack of forgiveness to be at the core of a lot of people's interpersonal problems and it even takes the forefront in cultural differences as well. I think half the problems in the Middle East are essentially because both predominant cultures have "eye-for-an-eye" mentalities. It's the Hatfields and the McCoys - family feud - mentality.
On a personal level, this inability or unwillingness to let go of the hurts in our lives causes many divides. I have dear friends who nurture and feed the memories of events where people who loved them let them down. They can't forgive. They can't let it go. They can never move forward. They set requirements on the other person as a precondition for moving forward.
Their thought process usually involves some requirement that the other person change or make up the difference. It's like saying someone can file for bankruptcy, but they still have to pay the money back before we'll give them a job or a house loan.
People are sometimes willing to "forgive" but want the other to acknowledge that forgiveness. They want someone to wear a badge of defeat or humiliation. Am I made better by someone else's humiliation? Am I a better person because someone declared me the victor? Hardly.
We really put conditions on our relationships when we don't forgive. Here's a newsflash... it's not unconditional love if there are conditions attached. Whenever our actions are predacated on someone else's actions, it's not unconditional. We are to love like God loves - without limits. We are to forgive like God forgives - constantly and without acknowledgement.
Sometimes forgiveness is the only way we can move forward. It's starting from a level playing field again. But many people won't let that happen. Forgiveness is a gift we give to others. But the benefit is ours. It is freeing ourselves of the past. If we expect a thank-you note, we probably haven't really freely given our forgiveness.
Thankfully, God's forgiveness is not like human forms. Think about how many times we ask God for forgiveness, but how often do we thank him for it? And I'm thankful that he'll forgive me knowing full well I'll go out and make the same mistake again.
To paraphrase Henry David Thoreau...
If you want to show someone that what they are doing is wrong, then do that thing the right way yourself. Don't try to convince them they are wrong for they will believe what they see. Let them see.
posted by Scott | 11:20 AM
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