A Commentary on Comments

I've received several comments recently and I appreciate them. I'm glad my thoughts and my witness is reaching others even when they don't agree.

I'm not sure what Internet magic causes many posts to hit the poem I wrote 3 years ago. I'd like to think it has some emotional impact. But it could be the randomness of the 1's and 0's floating around on servers. Or could it be something more divine?

God and I have what I consider an unconventional relationship. He is the big brother I longed to have, the mentor I lacked, the most dear friend I needed, even the loving parent to fill in the gaps from my family.

He knows my quirky humor and willingness to consider radical ideas. He knows I find him in so many ways. I think he is amused hiding messages around my life and delights in my joy at finding them whether they be in a fortune cookie, a quiet forest, a book I chanced upon or a comment from out of the blue.

Before I met my boyfriend, I asked God to bring me someone exactly like him (I am amazed at how closely he matches the description I gave to God). I also experienced back then a time of desperation also around when I wrote that poem. I wasn't meeting anyone I was interested in romantically. I was extremely anxious.

Suddenly for about 6 weeks I began receiving countless messages about patience. They came in sermons, and scripture but more importantly for me, they came in fortune cookies and other unconventional sources. I know those unconventional words were from God not only because it was what I needed at the time and it was blatantly obvious, but also because I have never received another fortune cookie about patience since that episode 3 years ago.

Six months later, Eugene came into my life and we have been together for nearly 3 years.

But to return to the topic of post comments. I received one recently (I hope the person learns that ALL CAPS ONLINE MEANS SHOUTING) that, along with others, has brought me back to concepts of sin.

First, this commenter was like a former co-worker. That co-worker wanted to compare being gay with being an alcoholic - something that someone is predisposed to - and I finally had to tell him point-blank not to go there. The only thing you can compare homosexuality to is heterosexuality.

This later commenter compared being gay to stealing. Well, obviously this person, like my coworker, has no concept of what being gay is really all about. Being gay is a core element of my soul. It is not an aspect of me, it is the basic foundation of who I am, just as being a male is. Thinking of merely being gay as wrong is like thinking that being male is inherently wrong. People don't choose it, they discover it, then they hopefully accept it.

Some say that homosexual behavior is what is sinful and that we should abhor it. I obviously don't believe that, but I'll leave that to another entry I plan to soon write.

As another commenter aptly stated, "I was knit perfect in the womb for the purpose He wants for me." That is indeed truth and is something that I have learned so well. A Christian friend once told me it's good to carry one's cross, just make sure it's really your cross.

Some eight years ago I did discover the cross I was bravely bearing was not mine at all but one society, family and church had subtly given me. So I dropped it and picked up the one God intended for me and knew I was finally ready to carry. I learned what was meant by "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." It's much easier to bear the cross God gave me, the honest open life proud of God's work, than the one-size-fits-all version society wants to give me. I learned that if it feels like an unreasonable burden, we need to make sure it's really from God.

And they still want to give me that phony cross. They want me to live my life by their definition of what sin is, of what God wants, of what convoluted lifestyle meets their interpretation of the Bible and of their interpretation of God's judgement.

Well, I've been there and done that and almost died spiritually and physically from their burden. God doesn't ask us to do more than we can handle. But fellow Christians will gladly heap burdens upon us far beyond what God asks. They will live with their cozy family, make love to their spouse, share the toils and intimacy of marriage and the security of knowing that someone will care for them and pick them up when they fall. They will proclaim how indispensable their spouse is and without qualm deny me and other gays of the same necessities of life.

So for those trying to convince me that gay sexuality is universally sinful, save your breath. I have it from a higher authority which has guided me through the valley of death, that closeted existence where my soul was lost while my body performed the sacraments.

Yes, I was once considered an exemplary model of upstanding Christian. Now some of the same people condemn me to damnation. But I know and God knows where my soul really was and is. I learned the painful lesson that the rules of humans are not the rules of God. He asks us to be different, and not just different from the worldly person, but different from the Pharisees and Sadducee's of our day.

God has held my hand my entire life. He has sheltered me and given me patience. He has given me courage and strength and endurance. And he has given me a beautiful companion with whom I can share the intimacy and oneness that many would deny me.

For those who disagree with me, I pray for the vision and the enlightenment that God may reveal. For those that find solace here, I pray for the courage, peace, generosity and love God has given to me. May all find comfort in his loving embrace.