Renewal

I apologize for not writing here much, but that's going to change. I am renewing my commitment to capturing how the holy Spirit speaks to me. This is my witness about how God is active in my life. We've had a pretty tight relationship throughout my life. He was patient to the extreme while I wasted time in the closet. But he knew that while not a desireable place for me, it was a safe haven during the worst ravages of AIDS, and during the time of my lowest self-esteem.

God has guided me through my coming out, through my relationship transformation with my wonderful soul mate Nancy who spent 20 patient years being married to me and has gone to great pains to maintain a relationship with me after the dissolusion of our marriage.

As I questioned the deepest tenents of my faith, God sat with me and patiently helped me understand his will for me, his creation of me and his happiness that I have finally rejected the shame that had been slowly destroying me.

He has led me into my knew life and taught me to learn to love myself by bringing special people into my life. He knows my deepest desires and wants to make me happy, but in his own time, despite my impatience.

God has rewarded me when I did not deserve it. He has loved me when I was unlovable. He continues to guide me to become a better man and to reach out to both those who have been mislead into rejecting him and to those who believe they have God firmly understood.

I am the first to admit that I don't know it all, that what is true for me, is not necessarily for anyone else. All I know for sure is that if someone claims to be a keeper of the inerrant truth of God, they are wrong. No man can wholly understand God. And until we admit we don't know as much as we think we do, the seeds God is constantly planting in us will be eaten by the birds before thay have a chance to sprout.

Now you can obviously guess that I am not a Bible literalist. Teaching in parables was a common technique used in Biblical times and Jesus used it constantly with the people. Give people the story and let them figure out the truth - inspirations increased many times over as more heard the story and let the seeds sprout in them. Only to his disciples did Jesus allegorize the stories or explain the symbolism he spoke of. To speak of the Bible as literal is to cast aside the methods of the writers and of God himself.

The discomfort comes in that we can't know for sure we are right, if we don't take things literally. And if we don't know the truth, how can we tell others the truth? How can we save other souls?

Well, Pastor Steve said something last night regarding the parables of the seeds in Mark 4 - all we can do is plan the seeds and let go. It's not our job to save souls. Only God can do that. All we can do is witness like Paul witnessed. But there should never be in our witness the claim that because this is how God works for me, that unless he works the same for you, you are condemned. I have seen God work in completely opposite directions with two people. Each was convinced that they knew God's mind and they both were right. For the solution was not in finding which one was right, but in finding a way to find the best compromise for everyone.

That was the most loving way of doing things.

Anyway, I am constantly listening for God's word in everything I read, everyone I hear. I believe we all see pieces of the truth and only by working together and sharing can we build a better image of God and his will for us.

I've been accused of rationalizing as if that were a dirty word. Of course I rationalize. God gave me a mind and the abiility to think things through. I don't think he intended for us to quit thinking when it comes to religion. I think God expects us to question what we are taught, to go to him and ask for enlightenment and inspiration.

So it seems counterproductive to argue over who is right and who is wrong since only God knows and especially since what's right for me is not necessarily right for someone else. Gone are the days when the Isrealites interacted with God as a group. Now, through Christ, we have the awesome and intimidating ability to interact with God as an individual. And God calls us as individuals to do things only he understands.

This is why it is so important that we respect each other. It's one area I know I need to work on myself. I find it very difficult to respect someone who cannot show respect for my own beliefs. It is difficult to respect someone who mocks God's relationship with me because it doesn't fit their ideas of how the world should work.

Yet in my faith, I have become a rock, unmoved by mockery or words. I have been condemned to hell by a man with a bullhorn. I have been scorned by men of God. I have been looked down on by friends.

Mark 4:22 states that "that which is hidden is meant to be disclosed."

So when God convinced me to finally bring this little light of mine out of the hidden closet, I felt empowered to finally move toward the work God has intended for me.